Mistakes
by Sophia.Love.Linstead
Summary: Less than twenty four hours after packing a bag, Jay regrets his decision and goes home to Erin. Set 4x17.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I don't own Chicago PD... or shit would be so different.**

 **A/N: DON'T READ ANY OF THIS IF YOU HAVEN'T SEEN THIS WEEK'S EPISODE.**

 **Okay, so I really need to get my anger out. A little rant followed by a story... also an extension of my rant lol**

 **I feel they completely changed Jay's character... right? I mean, Jay has never been the type of guy to NOT MENTION A FUCKING WIFE. Whether or not, he thought they weren't married anymore. Seriously. Not to mention the most shocking part... Erin didn't kick him out. She said stay, and HE LEFT!? So out of character for him... Really, hope they fix Linstead but I don't know how.**

 **When are they going to leave Erin alone? She's always getting dumped on. Her past, her mum, Nadia, her mum, her not dad, now Jay and then soon to be Hank is her dad (I assume). I am all for Jay's past... but there were so many better openings for it.**

 **I can handle the Vegas wedding... mistake. I can sort of be okay with him never telling Erin. But leaving? Hmmm. Nope.**

Mistakes

My eyes stare absent-mindedly at the TV, a beer in my hands with condensation pooling on my bare leg below the end of my shorts.

I tuck my chin down to inhale Jay's scent from of one of his shirts, my lips quivering as the sight of him packing his bag the night flashes into mind.

We were professional at work today, only interacting as much as necessary. Jay tried to corner me in the break room but I pulled away not ready to speak to him without blowing up.

My feet drop from the coffee table to he floor when I hear keys in the lock, my beer hits the coffee table as the door opens to reveal Jay.

"Hey." He tells me in the same manner as the previous night, this time walking back in with his bag.

"Hey." My eyes flicker down to his bag briefly.

"What are you doing here?" My voice is husky, eyes unsure.

"I live here."

"Really? Huh. Could've fooled me."

"Erin, look-"

"Don't even start." I hold my hand up with a shake of my head.

"I'm sorry I'm married, that I got married in Vegas once… but I can't change it."

"You think that's what I have a problem with? No Jay, how about the fact you fucking kept it from me. You _lied_ to me. You could have told me at any point… but you waited until your ex walks back in. You told me because you _had_ to tell me, because she showed up like 'hey hubby, guess what? We're still married.'" My voice is full of anger as I shoot up from the couch.

"Erin, it wasn't a secret. I just don't talk about it."

"You _married_ this girl Jay and you never told me. You were never going to tell me. You know when you could have mentioned it? When we were just partners… 'so here's a story I actually was married in Vegas, such a stupid mistake.' No wait, do you remember our first night together?" My body facing his, arms moving wildly about.

"Of course. I'll never forget it."

"Remember what you said? 'You're married?' Ha. No but you fucking are you lying asshole." I'm panting as I turn away, trying to hold back my sobs.

"Erin, that's not fair."

"No, you know what's not fair? You are the one who asked me to move in with you… that was when you should have told me you were married. When I said you are the only one I trust, knowing I don't trust easy _that's_ when you fucking tell me. Hey babe, funny story… I was married."

"Do you… _did_ you ever think about marriage with me?" I make sure to change the tense used and Jay's face shows he noted that.

"Yeah, of course I do baby."

"Don't call me that. Then you were going to have to tell me eventually I wasn't going to be your first wife… only wife whatever."

"Erin, last night you said I didn't have to go. That you could handle it…"

"That was last night." I blow up at him and he takes a step back shocked.

" _You_ pushed for us to live together, you. Because you didn't want me to come and go." I release a bitter chuckle.

"Then you are the one who left at the first sign of trouble, if you weren't sure why did you ask me?"

"I was, but this stuff from my past is messing with my head." His blue eyes are pleading with me.

"This shit didn't come into your head now Jay, you've been dealing with it a while and not saying anything. I offered for you to lean on me before… last night I pushed my hurt aside and offered again. You said you had to figure out if I could handle it… despite all the times you told me to trust you could handle my past."

"Erin…"

"You are ashamed of your past? Me too Jay. Last night I was so hurt that you were married and never told me, but I came home willing to talk it out because I love you more than anything. I need you so much that I was going to forgive you for lying to me… only to walk in finding you packing a bag. I should have been the one kicking your ass out."

The room is silent as we stare each other down, tears appearing in Jay's eyes.

"I feel like I don't know you Jay. I thought I knew you… I really did but the Jay Halstead I knew would not have lied to me, kept that from me. He wouldn't have needed me to ask who Abby is. He certainly wouldn't have left me." My voice breaks on the end.

"Erin, I'm right here. I made a mistake."

"More than one. Why'd you come back anyway?" I take a step back as he tries to grab my hands.

"Leaving was a mistake. I woke up from really bad nightmares last night and all I wanted was you."

"Well get use to it." I spit out in the heat of the moment.

"Erin." Jay's voice breaks my heart even more.

"Get out. I can't do this right now." I turn away from him.

"Erin." His hands reach for me, I just make my way into the bedroom.

"Please Jay, leave. If you love me you will give me time."

"You were willing to be here for me last night."

"Yeah and you threw that in my face. You left me Jay. Were you even going to talk to me, or were you sneaking out?"

"I…"

"I gave you every opportunity to tell me about that chick and I had to ask you. Do you think I got any sleep last night after you left? I just played everything over and over in my head."

"Please can we talk about this? I love you Erin." Tears are streaming down my face.

"How can I ever trust you again? I don't know how to trust you now Jay."

Jay drops his bag on the bed and makes his way over to me; my feet carry me into the bathroom slamming the door.

Jay's foot catches the door and our faces our inches apart through the crack.

"Erin, stop."

"No. Jay just leave. I can't do this right now." Sobs are slipping through my lips.

"I love you." I cry harder at his words.

"I love you." He repeats as I let the door fall open and Jay grasps my cheeks between his hands.

"Jay."

"I love you Erin. I want to stay." The repeated words from the night before pull me back to reality and I shrug him off.

"I don't want you to. I'm not living with someone I can't trust. I don't think I can love someone I don't trust…" Jay stumbles back hurt by my words and my hazel eyes look into his blue as tears fall down his cheeks.

"Go." I whisper as I shut the bathroom door and flick the lock.

"No." He finally replies banging on the door, the shock of the moment wearing off.

"I'm not going anywhere. Open the door."

I rest my back against the door as I cry harder.

"I'll knock it down Erin."

Finally I slide down the door, still crying.

"Please don't."

"Fine, but I'm staying right here." I imagine him sliding down on the other side of the door before I hear a soft bang.

I cry harder, unsure of how to react to the events from the past forty-eight hours. Wishing we could go back to last night and do it over, if only he didn't push me away giving me time to stew on my hurt.

My hurt turned to anger, which only grew today, seeing him waltz back in with his bag knocking the floor from underneath me.

* * *

The first thing I notice when I wake a few hours later is the cold hard tiles under my body.

I groan in thirst, my head hurting from crying myself to sleep.

Hesitantly I stand up and splash cold water on my face before cautiously opening the bathroom door.

I sigh when I see Jay slumped on the floor fast asleep, stepping over him quietly and heading into the kitchen and preparing coffee.

I watch the slow drizzle of coffee into the pot as I sort through my feelings and how to proceed from here.

My eyes wonder around our apartment when they land on a picture frame; I smile softly as I see Jay and my happy faces smiling back.

My heart aches as I try and decide where to go from here. Can I move on from the hurt of his lies and the pain of his rejection two nights ago?

I reach for two coffee cups in answer to my question before pouring us both coffee.

I sit one coffee cup directly in front of Jay's sleeping form, our eyes meeting as he wakes.

I step over him again and shut the bathroom door; I lean back against the basin as I sip my coffee quietly. I roll my neck trying to rid the tension, it's impossible given the tension is from the man sitting outside the bathroom door.

A sigh slips through my lips as I reach into the shower to turn it on, before stripping off and stepping inside.

When I'm done I take my time drying off before wrapping the towel securely around me and opening the bathroom door.

Jay falls backwards, obviously having been leaning against the door.

I can't help but crack a smile at the look on his face and the spilt coffee down his front.

I let myself laugh as I step around him and over to the chest of drawers.

"You should take a shower."

"Erin." He breaths out.

"Shower Jay." When I hear the bathroom door I drop my towel and get dressed, taking deep calming breaths.

When Jay walks back out I'm sitting in the chair across from the bed staring at his bag, my eyes don't leave it but I can see Jay standing tense in the bathroom doorway a towel around his waist.

"Erin." I ignore him, not even shifting my glance.

Finally he sighs and grabs clothes he never packed from the drawers and slipping into them.

"I thought you would be the one person to never hurt me." I whisper finally breaking the silence.

"There's nothing else?" I hold my breath waiting for his reply.

"What?" Shock is evident in his voice.

"You've told me everything now?" I ask again, eyes still on the bag.

"Yes."

I nod softly before standing up to open his bag, silently moving about as I unpack his belongings.

"Things are going to change Jay." I turn my eyes to him, his mouth dropped in shock as I close the drawers.

"Whatever you need." Jay finally promises.

"What _we_ need Jay."

"You're right. We're in this together."

"We better be going forward. You know about my past… so if you've got baggage that's been stirred up by your… by her then you gotta open up about it Jay. Talk to me. You can't walk away to move through it on your own and _then_ come back and assume we'll be okay. We need to work through it together. Trust me to handle whatever it is you have to tell me."

"Okay. I'll trust you… can you ever trust me again?" His eyes are full of fear.

"Yeah, I can… I was just angry when I said I couldn't. I think I got all my anger out last night."

"I'll be your punching bag if you need it Erin. I just need to make this right between us. I'm begging you."

Jay slowly closes the distances between us; I hold my breath as his hands reach out to my cheeks.

My eyes close when I feel his warm breath on my face.

"Jay." His lips crash down on my urgently, his tongue slipping through my lips.

My hands wrap around his wrists as I move closer to Jay, wanting to feel our bodies against each others.

"Jay, wait. We shouldn't. Let's talk." Jay's walking me backwards against the bedroom wall.

"Just let me have you first. Please." He whispers against my lips before pressing down firmly again.

His tongue is rough against mine as my hands seek his chest, pushing him away.

"I need to know I still have you." He whispers pleadingly.

"You have me. You'll always have me."

"You promise?"

"As long as you've told me everything and you never lie to me again, we're good." His lips press down on mine again and I let them needing this as much as he does.

His hands pull my shirt over my head, before he removes his own.

My hands rest on his bare shoulders as he slips my shorts and panties down, his eyes wild.

I let him remove his own jeans before he presses up against me again.

We groan as we hear a phone ringing, looking over to where Jay's phone is sitting on the nightstand.

I glare at Jay upon seeing's Abby's name, I move to pull away but Jay doesn't let me move.

"It's nothing."

"You've said that before." Anger and disbelief courses through me, as Jay's lips crash on mine again hungrily.

Mine respond, biting down on his lip in anger desperate to work out our frustrations.

His hands pull my thighs around his waist as he pushes into me hard.

I groan into his mouth as he thrusts into me, harder and deeper each time.

I feel his lips trail down my neck as I throw my head back, his phone rings again and my nails dig sharply into his back.

His teeth sink into my neck before he pulls me away from the wall and down onto the bed, the feeling of us joined as we fall on the bed shocking me momentarily.

Our anger melts away as our passion takes hold, his thrusts still desperate with desire but more smooth and controlled.

His soft lips find mine again and I moan into his mouth as his hands entwine with my own and pin them above my head.

My legs pull him closer as he changes the rhythm of his thrusts.

I'm panting in need as he pulls away to stare down into my eyes, and we're thrown over the edge together.

We lay there still and breathing heavily as our eyes change shade losing some of their earlier hurt and anger.

He places another soft kiss on my lips.

"I love you." He whispers, his eyes begging me to believe him.

"I love you too." I finally respond and relief washes over him.

 **A/N: Sorry for the rant but man oh man did this episode make me mad.**

 **There is another part to this. Jay and Erin actually talking about it...**

 **I also don't know why Jay didn't get an annulment? For a 24 hour mistake after not seeing her for a year... so I'll touch on that next chapter. If you're keen for another? I hope this episode didn't lose us too many Linstead fans. We need to have faith.**

 **I have another couple ideas from the episode I can explore as well?**

 **\- Erin turns up at Will's, not letting Jay off that easy. She pushes him to let her handle it with him.**

 **\- He tells Abby in the bar he has a girlfriend and in no uncertain terms they will ever happen. Goes home to beg for forgiveness.. steamy linstead etc etc**

 **Thoughts?**

 **Sorry for any mistakes, but I'm full of anger as I typed this up lol**


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: I don't own Chicago PD.**

 **A/N: Thank you for all the reviews. Oh my god... guess we are all pissed. Sorry if this is rushed but I can't get 'Come Home, Jay' from my head and have to finish it... then I can do those other two ideas. By then I should have all my feelings from the episode out and I can go back to my other stories... until next week. Hopefully it doesn't leave us as pissed off or I'll be taking my anger out here again.**

 **I actually have a writing folder titled 'Fuck you Derek'... lol anyway...**

Mistakes Part Two

We're sitting silently on the couch facing each other, knowing we need to talk things out.

"What do you mean by you're still married? I thought it was a 24 hour thing?" I finally ask, most curious about this.

"It was… I signed but she never counter sighed so we're still married. I just found out, the same day I told you."

"Jesus Jay. Why didn't you just get an annulment?"

He just shrugs at me.

"I'm going to sign the divorce papers." He assures me, his tone serious.

I stand up and walk towards the kitchen.

"Erin." Jay pleads.

I bring the laptop back before sitting next to him and searching Nevada for their annulment guidelines.

 _ **How long after the marriage can an annulment be filed in nevada?**_

 _There is no time limit on filing an annulment in the Nevada Statutes. However, judges do very much take the length of the marriage into consideration when deciding whether or not to grant a Nevada annulment. The longer the marriage, the more the valid reason is scrutinized by a judge._

"Get an annulment Jay."

"Erin, a divorce will be easier."

"I don't care. She made a choice not to co sign those papers. I don't know what her aim was, I don't know why she's back now but you can get an annulment. That I do know."

"What if I don't want one?" He fires at me as he shuts the laptop.

"Why don't you want one?"

"Because a divorce will get this over much quicker."

"I don't care about quick Jay. I care about being your first and only wife…" Our eyes both widen at that and I shake my head unsure where it came from.

"Do you really want to be tied to her forever with this? Friend from your past or not." I ask after the silence has stretched on too long.

"No, I never thought I would be someone who married twice. But I was in a bad head space back then and I fucked up."

"It's your decision Jay, but you know what I want." He pulls the laptop into his lap and opens the screen.

Jay's eyes read the website paragraph again, a hand running through his hair.

"What does she want?"

"Okay, full disclosure. I'll tell you everything." He places the laptop on the coffee table and turns to me.

"Please." My heart beating rapidly.

"She showed up telling me she was getting married and that I need to sign the papers, I told her I did eight years ago and she said she never co signed them and to stop over reacting."

"So she's getting married?"

"I told her I would sign them right then but she made me promise to meet her later, I did… one drink and we spoke about some lighter stories from our time over there. She wanted to keep the party going but I said I wanted to sign the papers and be done." His voice is almost detached and I raise my eyebrow.

"You had a drink with her?" Hurt is in my tone, unsure of how to handle this news.

"We were friends once Erin."

"What happened next?"

"She told me she lied, there wasn't a fiancé and she isn't getting married. She was talking about drinking more to try and fix us… that she never told me she loved me but she did."

"Unbelievable. Did you tell her about me?"

"I told her she deserves everything good but I'm not going to be the one to give it to her."

"So, that's a no." Insecurity fills me at this and I try and push it away.

"Then I left and came home, Erin." He pleads with me.

"To pack a bag and leave me." I shake my head when Jay sighs.

"Erin…"

"So basically, she doesn't sign the papers and now she's here stirring trouble. Wanting to reconnect and get back together?"

"It seemed so, yeah."

"I don't trust her, she's up to something."

"You're probably right about the annulment. I'll speak to her today, and get it sorted. If she refuses I'll get a lawyer and figure it out."

"This is a nightmare."

"I'm sorry."

"Make sure she knows you don't want to reconnect… unless you want to?"

"I don't. I'll tell her about you today." Jay promises me, sorrow in his tone.

"Tell me about your baggage." I whisper softly, wanting to know as much about Jay as I can.

"I know I pretend everything is okay but…" He trails off, seemingly unsure where to start.

"You had nightmares the other night? How often do you get them? I only hear some… I wake you but you never let me in."

"My time overseas fucked me up Erin. I relied on alcohol a lot when I got back… so many days I can't even remember. I can still hear the sounds of gun fire… the dry heat and the smell of death. I saw action everyday, lost too many friends."

I reach my hand out of Jay's, tears slipping down his face. His voice portraying how hard this is.

"I've seen too many friends put in the ground. I carry so much guilt for coming home… it was stupid but a year after my last tour at that funeral I was looking at his wife and wishing it was me that was dead so she could still have him here… why was I alive? I didn't have anyone."

"Jay." I move closer to him, wishing I could provide more comfort than I can. Tears slip down my own cheeks as I listen.

"Abby was going through a messy time of her life too… we were drinking and talking about everyone we lost and… I don't know exactly what was running through my head. I guess… I didn't want to be alone, or feel so guilty. That maybe if I had a wife then… but the next day I regretted it. Couldn't believe what I'd done. When I started getting my life together I tried my best to block that time out, the person I was. The things I did… the way I treated people when I got back. I pushed it all down, even my time overseas. Because I don't want to deal with all the heartache I saw, the dead soldiers… all the people I killed."

I move into Jay's lap as he drops his head into my neck and really cries.

"I've broken so many promises to dying men and women… I tried to keep them at first but it weighed too heavily on me. Always having to deliver last messages and… I'm so ashamed of that. Those families deserved that, no matter how hard it got for me."

"Jay, you don't have to be strong all the time. You can fall apart, what you went through… what so many of you go through – we can't judge you. If it was too much, it was too much. You should see someone, speak to someone who went through that too." I try and offer any comfort I can, unsure if he is listening.

"I once held a dying man as he made me promise to take care of his wife and unborn baby, I couldn't do it Erin. I couldn't save him, so how could I look his wife in the eye when I was the reason he wasn't there."

"Stop. You can't save everyone Jay." I whisper, seeing the haunted look in his eyes.

"You know, I've tortured people over there… watch people be tortured. We did what we had to but I still hear the screams at night sometimes." It's silent for a few minutes while we sit there.

"You sure you can handle this?" He finally asks.

"Yes. Tell me anything."

"A stray bullet of mine took out a nine year old girl Erin. A kid. Damn it. She haunts me everyday…" His eyes are haunted and his voice full of such raw pain.

"Oh god Jay. Baby it was an accident."

"Doesn't matter. I did it."

"You're a good man, you can't beat yourself up over every lost life."

"I have to live with my failure."

"Not alone… try and think of the lives you saved. There and here… the freedom you were fighting for. You did it so others didn't have to… live your life Jay, in honor of those who gave theirs up so you can."

He's nodding as he falls back into my neck.

"It's so hard, I try but…"

"I'm here. I'll remind you." I whisper soothingly, my hands running through his hair.

 **A/N: Let me know what you think. :)**


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